" Even in worst condition, taking a decision to save the institution of marriage is the most noble, brave and wisest thing to do "
When two persons join together in marriage, separation and divorce is never something they think about.... Love for each other comes naturally and they both care for each other...... In fact both of them start enjoying each other's company and with each n every actions and gestures they always try to say each other....."I love you" and "I always think of you".....
And that is how they live their life together with a plan of how to raise the family and grow their children while fulfilling all those social responsibilities....
But unfortunately, its not the same for every couple out there and you can find many couples whose marriage end up heading down the wrong path not too long after the honeymoon is over. Instead of learning how to sacrifice one's need for the sake of matrimonial bliss, they realize that marriage requires giving up some of the things they treasure and over a period of time there is some resentment built up between them.....As the days passes the communication between the two starts slowing down and soon they start realizing that they are not made for each other.
As a result arguments start and all kind of horrible and dirty words start coming out of their mouth and slowly(without even knowing) they start heading towards a nasty divorce.....Finally a day comes when both of them or any one of them starts talking about seeking divorce :(
I do realize that there can be many reasons why they want to divorce their spouse and only the people in those marriages know what exactly the problem is or what exactly wrong happened in their specific circumstances, but I often think that "how could two people who were in love few days back, end up resenting and in some cases hating each other......."
*********************************
( PS: This post is the result of some unfortunate happenings with a couple known to me and both of them are very dear to me...i just wish n pray that things may get better in their future life )
I had written this post exactly
ReplyDeletehttp://www.hamaarethoughts.com/2011/12/love-evaporates.html
wht goes wrong? its hard to understand n define ..basically its the ego...
\mans ego n womens attitude ...needs to be kept aside..
Rest its always sacrifice for kids before thinking of divorce ..who suffer a lot after divorces!
yes, "ego n attitude" needs to be kept aside to have a healthy life.....Thank you.
DeleteI guess, communication is the key. easy to say, but difficult to follow. I wish them best of luck and hope they sort out their differences soon.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the wishes to them...and good to see you here after a very long gap......plz keep visiting, Thank you.
DeleteCan't comment, Irfan. Marriage is a complex relationship and many a times what is apparent to the others might just be the tip of the iceberg. You can only help them if they ask for your help.
ReplyDeleteyes and no....bcoz i personally feel that at times someone must come forward to help them to make their relations better even if they don't ask, who knows it may work in breaking the silence between them in some cases at least.....
Delete"how could two people who were in love few days back, end up resenting and in some cases hating each other......."
ReplyDeleteYes Irfan,it happens...someone you thought u just couldn't do without in this world,u suddenly feel u can't even bear their presence...I know that marriage is the most beautiful institution,and nothing like it if it works...every woman has a dream,about her marriage..and no one will want their dreams to be shattered...At times u are left with no other option.
Very well written...
yes, agreed......:)
DeleteI've always been a believer in love. And I think love doesn't die. When people's relationships turn sour, I think the problem lies on the lover and not on love. I agree on the element of sacrifice. My mom would often tell me that in our generation, it's easier to divorce or separate instead of work out on relationships even just for the sake of the children ( in cases of abuse, I would also suggest annulment).
ReplyDeleteHowever, Irfan, I couldn't speak for all women. I'm not an expert, I haven't been married and I haven't experienced a very serious relationship to deepen this post.
All I could say is, marriage is a gift and I would still opt for a family life.
yes "marriage is a gift" and one must try to preserve this beautiful gift of nature as far as possible.....thank you.
DeleteI am still not married but even then the mere thought of such a thing is a horrible Nightmare for me. I just wish none in this world should go through such a situation in their life.
ReplyDeleteBut I know, its easy to say that the couples have to try to resolve the conflicts between each otr and avoid taking such a decision but only the person who goes through it can understand the real pain of it. And after all Divorce is the last step they take as none of their attempts to save the relationship works. :-(
God bless your both the close once and I pray everything in between them goes fine just like it was a bad dream...
yes, only the person who goes through it can understand the real pain, but it hurts when we see people opting for divorce just to satisfy their ego....isn't it..??
DeleteHmmm I made poor choices that is how I ended up in divorce, picked men with little or no integrity. I was beat in my first marriage and cheated on in the second, (more than once). It was tough but I found I hadn't truly been in love with the man, I was in love with the idea of the man and in love with marriage. Thankfully I found my way out and am now more than happily married and we are so very happy. This is a wonderful post, so true.
ReplyDeleteGood to know that at last you got someone you can hang on with.....welcome here at my space and thanx for the visit n comment, plz do come again.
DeleteKind of gud n scary blog.. It really scary to imagine a life in such a sticky situation where u start hating the person whom u loved the most once... Hope this situation never comes in anybody's life.. One reason in can see for the broken homes is the concept of nuclear families where there are no mediators to stand up and sort out the differences between the squabbling couples..
ReplyDeleteyes, even i feel that family structure does matter a lot in these matters bcoz if elders present there, they can mediate between the couple and things may settle down between them......
Deletetrue...i also pray for your friends....:)
ReplyDeleteThank you SUB...:)
DeleteI wish there was nothing like divorce in this world and all the couples live happily ever after. But it is not true and can never be true, because people just dont realise the importance being married and maintaing the beautiful relationship with some comprises, a little understanding. Even i feel bad for all those couples who end up in a separation not able to figure out their problems. I also hope and pray that it doesn't happen the same way with your friend and his wife.
ReplyDeleteyes, to an extent the key factor for a healthy relation is "some compromises and a little understanding".....but in some cases this important ingredient of happy married life is found missing and then problem starts between them......
Deleteand welcome here at my space...plz do come again, thank you.
Marriage is one topic where I go absolutely blank... All I can say is hope your friends sort out the issues and have a happy tomorrow together...
ReplyDeletehhmmmm....I can understand...:D
Deleteand thanx for the good wishes....
The two factors are the main causes for divorce.
ReplyDeletelack of self realization
ego . who is big u or I
I am working as a secretary to an advocate. Daily there are more thousands of couples are applying for divorce. Most of them are belongs to the so called hi society. Whom to blame. their parents or the couples or the GOD. No answer.
Beautiful and meaning post. I added your link to my blog.
yes EGO does play a major role in making the situation worse and in some cases even the parents start playing an important role in spoiling the relation further....
DeleteThank you Latha for the visit n comment....hope to see you more often now....:)
Sorry, Irfan ji, this time I don't agree with your post at all. While I have to admit that you have once again chosen a thought-provoking topic, I must say that your post takes a very generic and idealised view. There cannot be one solution to fit all couples, marriage or divorce, and it's a very, very personal matter. In many cases, the relationship (what you call marriage) can be saved, but I do not agree with your initial quote that saving the marriage at any cost is a noble thing to do. I believe in the sanctity of the individual not just the institution. It is a known fact that children raised in a healthy marriage grow up normal and happy, but it has to be a "healthy" marriage, a sick marriage can be worse than a divorce for the kids. That's just my 2 cents.
ReplyDeletewhatever may be the reason but its the couple who is always responsible to make their marriage healthy or sick...and i strongly believe that in any given situation one must try to save his/her marriage.... Anyways.....difference of opinions are bound to happen, so keep reading APNiBOLi and i always appreciate your honest reactions here.....Thank you :))
Delete"Divorce..... is this the only solution left"
ReplyDeleteDivorce is not the last solution, change of attitude is the last way out.
Drive with caution approach:
Before entering into contract of marriage, both sides should think million times to reach a good assessment. Despite testing, if compatibility among the parties remains absent—it’s a no go zone.
In reality, the spouses to be are driven emotively--followed by broken promises and expectations.
Lack of patience, stubbornness, dishonesty are some of the factors leading to dissolution of marriage.
With regard to the topic/heading, there are a few choices that still show light at the end of tunnel:
Social or religious counselling to deal with issue psychologically as last step before digging the matrimonial grave.
Take second opinion if there are kids involved.
A policy of moderation helps us to maintain balance in all aspects of life. We should never violate the principle of balance (ethics, fairness, justice).
what to say more Tariq bhai,Thank you so much for your insightful comment.....:)
DeleteMain reasons for divorce :
ReplyDeleteEarlier Now
1.Husband is Lord & Master 1.No longer
2.Wife financially dependent 2.Financially Independent
3.Wife role is home,procreation 3.Joint responsibility
& child management
4.Woman's role secondary to man 4.Women claim equality
5.Women did not work 5.Women work
6.Women made all adjustments 6.women adjust less
7.Women not ambitious 7.Women very ambitious
8.It was a mans world 8.Still largely mans world
9.Result-Stable families 9.Many divorces
Agree with all these and as long Husbands will continue pretending as LORD and Women will not try to adjust in the given situations.....marriages will continue to become sick....
DeleteThank you Sir for the read n comment.
Divorce is sad...hope your friends make-up and live happily ever after.
ReplyDeleteAMEEN......and thanks for the wishes Alka ji.
DeleteDivorce is very painful emotional,. especially for a woman,.
ReplyDeleteJust Recently i come to know that one of my childhood friend is divorced,her husband cheated her badly and leaved her,.
she is suffering so badly, unable to say how much pain she is taking,.
she is a very good and kind hearted lady, she not even hurted anyone.,she is very sensitive too.
One of the most sad thing is she is not even having higher education or technically sound to lead life of her own.,totally feeling sad and unable to see her pain. Currently she is with her parents.
Always thinking about her how to make her life happy and make her a normal person like before.
I hope definitely God will guide me to bring happiness back in her life by marrying her and looking her happily.,
Nice post.
Good to know about ur concern for her, I wish n pray that ur friends life is again filled with happiness.....
DeleteThanks for the read n comment.
Irfanuddin,
ReplyDeleteRead 3 posts now. On Sex Sells, I think this survey was conducted on line by a condom manufacturing company. I had seen their advertisement on one of e-newspaper sites in which they had asked people to click for answering some questions for survey. So we can well imagine what kind of survey was that. However to publish such dubious findings was unwarranted. One does not need a kingdom to feel like a KING. It is one's heart, family and actions which make one a king. In my opinion there are 4 basic principles to make any relationship healthy, specially marriage. These are :
Mutual Respect. Not only for each other but for each other's relatives / friends too.
Mutual Trust. This includes giving space as well as not misusing such given space.
Willingness to accept other as he or she is without forcing him or her to change. However at the same time making efforts of own traits not liked by partner.
Two way open and logical communication without losing temper or raising voice or becoming abusive.
There are some more factors which add to making relationship healthy. EGO and unnecessary interference by relatives of either partner are TWO major factors for a marriage to go sour.
Take care
Agree with your analysis about healthy marriage Sir and publishing that survey report is really something to be looked into by the Govt agencies bcoz it gives a bad impact on our youths.....
DeleteThanks a lot for giving so much of your precious time here Sir...:)
That’s a mystery differ from one couple to another and commonly it happen when they can’t agree mutual. Its one worst situation if divorce happen after kids and I wish no parents get divorce as it affect kids future who are innocent to their break-up egos and stress.
ReplyDeleteI wish your dear once put full-stop to their divorce plan and live together happily.
Thanks for the wishes Jeevan and yes, kids suffers the most after any divorce....:(
DeleteRelationships are very complex.. and with modernisation they have become more complexer..
ReplyDeleteI use to think myself that they can never be a Good reason to part when two people loved each other .. but Now with my experience and all i do think IT happenes and people change , priorities change ..
what started as a dream you realise was all a drama to gain something .. various reasons ..
Sometimes its good to part to remain sane and do good to each other .. I learnt the hard way
Bikram's
well, priorities may change but what can be more important for anyone other than a healthy married life...Money, Career or what...??
DeleteMoney comes to mind for sure.
Deleteloyalty-love-respect etc is a thing of the past..
the chamak-dhamak is more inviting .. :)
Afsos.....main is chamak-dhamak se door rah gaya..:)
DeleteAgree with you Irfan! Patience is what appears to be lacking and also willingness to tradeoff! Sometimes the reasons may be pretty complex so each case has its own merits or otherwise!
ReplyDeletewell, if the reason is complex and can't be resolved then one can understand but i know some cases where people have got divorced just to satisfy their ego.....
DeleteDivorces are not always bad Irfan. It is a blessing too. I agree that it causes heart-aches, but whenever there is a transformation there is a rough patch called adjustment phase.
ReplyDeleteI hope your friends know why their decision is justified.
May not be always bad but most of the time they are.....
DeleteRelationships are getting very much complex these days...It was a nice read though. :)
ReplyDeleteThank you Anshul....:)
Deletemarriages they say are made in heaven, but unfortunately, these are broken on earth also. In fact everyone has become so individualistic and ( space)demanding that it is every time not possible for everyone to fulfill the demands that a relationship makes on him/her. However it is painful to see marriages breaking for one reason or the other. Anyways it is better to part ways than to lead the proverbial "cat and dog " life.Some times divorce augurs well for the couple. However this is also true that children are the main sufferers as they become emotional wrecks and shattered personality. It is also ironical to hear an estranged couple claim post-divorce that they are good friends. I agree with the lyricist when he writes:
ReplyDelete".....Woh afsana jise anjaam tak lana na ho mumkin,
usey ik khoobsoorat mod dey kar chhodna achchha ...."
Nice post
And when in most of the cases, so many souls are bound to suffer(including children) then how the moment of divorce can be KHOOBSOORAT one.......
DeleteThank you aarkay.
Again a paradox, isn't it !
Deleteyaa.......:)
DeleteIf someone isn't happy or doesn't feel the urge to be together, it's better to move on than living a life they will regret. Already, there may be many Indian couples who live together just for the sake of it, why waste life on someone you do not love anymore?
ReplyDeleteAgree with you Chintan but in most of the cases people go for separation just to live the life their own way, don't you think that if they start adjusting a little, things can improve....
DeleteI feel nobody would consider divorce, if there was willingness between the partners to work out things amicably. However, many time either the husband is too set in his mindset, or the wife is too adamant, or sometimes the cause of the friction is the in laws too.
ReplyDeleteThe point is neither should a woman lead a life for the sake of the family/ society, nor should the man be forced to lead such a life, if they have a reached a point where there is no solution, it is best that they seek divorce, and be happy.
Children these days are pretty smart, they would get used to living with both parents separately, without being emotionally disturbed.
I have seen such couples, whose children have adapted themselves well, and they are very happy with their step mom/ or step father, and the spouses themselves are are happily re- married.
I know we always wish such a situation should never come to the people whom we love, but if it is for their highest best let it be so, that is what i would pray for if I were in your place.
and even if after second marriage things are not that good and supportive as you mentioned then.....Go for the third one......??
DeleteSo i feel its always better to try to set things right with little adjustments mutually and avoid the divorce....and if at all there is no way out then OK.
I know of women who dont respect their husbands coz to them all that matters is to be well provided for.I know of women who like to be dependent coz the last thing they want is to never have to ask for money from their husbands coz they thinks its beyond them.I know of women who live in unhappy marriages coz they dont want to struggle with their kids coz they cannot be self suficient on their own.i know of men who lovce to rule the roost and keep their women under control.If your unhappiness in your marriage is sucking the life out of you ( under the right circumstances),its better to part ways than to spread hatred into daily lives.
ReplyDeleteit sounds very easy to part ways n stay happy but not that easy actually,whatever may be the reasons for separation.
DeleteYou are right we should take every possible step to save institution of marriage..but the effort should be from both side...It becomes entirely difficult when one is reapairing the marriage and other not paying any heed to it. So divorce is very sensitive issue and both the partner should give final thought before taking this step....After that it is matter of their personal choice.
ReplyDeleteWell written:)
indeed both of them should try honestly, it can't be a one man show....
DeleteThank you :)
Oh Lord may the differences between your dear ones vanish and let them unite again. You are right sometimes and somecases intervention might help breaking the silence. But some might not like the intrusion of a third party. Ultimatum its their life , their decisions. We end up a spectator.
ReplyDeleteyes, its their life n their decision, but what for friends and well wishers are, just to be spectator even in bad times?????...no, i feel one must tell them the right way, all pros n cons....then, let them decide...:)
Deletetough call
ReplyDeleteyaa, it is...thank you.
Deleteya tough call indeed..separation can be so painful...but the pressures of modern life are such...before v think what's happening..things happen..well-meaning post boss
ReplyDeleteand for smooth sail one has to learn to deal with these pressures....isn't it.
DeleteThank you Sir ji.
Very heartfelt post. I can see your pain in seeing 2 people separate. :( It is a very sad and unfortunate thing indeed.
ReplyDeleteyes sad indeed...:(
Deleteand welcome here at my space, plz do come again, Thank you :)
i feel anguished when I see the increasing no. of divorces..and it is all because of this new trend of I me, myself syndrom and self gratification being the most important..life is not all about self and enjoyment only..
ReplyDeleteSo true..."life is not all about self and enjoyment only.." and ppl just don't understand this simple mantra of happy life.
Deletevery true - only the two IN the marriage know the real story,the real anguish ki why they decided to part ways.
ReplyDeleteits always a sad space to be in and as friends it pains us too
joining you in your prayers - if there is a way out, let them be able to see it
THanks for the prayers Sujatha.....yes one must look into all ways out and if at all there is any possibility to avoid divorce like thing then go for it....
DeleteRelationship is all about 'understanding each other' & total commitment towards the other. In absence of any one , problem crops up.
ReplyDeleteYou can also go through my blogpost-
http://srayyangar.blogspot.in/2010/03/living-in-love-arranged-marriage.html
commitment is always important let that be any relation....will go through that post, thanks for ur read Sir.
DeleteEven in this time and age this is a touchy subject. I think there wouldn't be a problem if people start treating everyone with the same respect that they want to get in return from them. Irrespective of man/woman , job/no job, money/no money. It just about how mature you are to deal with relationships. I agree that divorce is not a good solution but sometimes it becomes the only solution.
ReplyDeleteyes, agree that some times there is no solution other than divorce but before going into it one must try all possible ways out....Thank you.
DeleteHello Irfan jee,
ReplyDeleteI am much younger and still not married. So, anything I say would only be correct in theory. I think, it is possible to have disagreements over things and being angry at each other and still love the person. Its when love dies or one of the partners think that love has died, when one think of divorce. I read a mathematical calculation somewhere, that marriage is actually an inherent imbalance equation and it requires a constant inflow of external energy (be it your passion, your love etc) to sustain. Though, I know human life is too complex to be defined by a mathematical equation, but there were few interesting points in the article. That said, I believe, divorce should only be thought about, when you are sure that you will be happy out of the relationship than being in the relationship.
very important point there by you Kunal that one must be sure that the life after divorce will be better for him/her....but in most of the cases after couple of years of divorce people regret their decision bcoz of the things going further rough for them in life.....
Deletea very thought provoking post, which is relevant nowadays
ReplyDeletewill mail you the details, thanks for stopping by..:)
ReplyDeleteThanks for stopping by Tom..:)
ReplyDeletedivorce is unfortunate for sure but I think 'a no marriage is much better than a bad marriage'
ReplyDeletehhmmmm...in a way you are correct that "no marriage" is better but one must try to make the marriage better n better once he/she is into it.... Thank you.
DeleteSometimes when everything fails, it's better to end it. But then, I feel bad for the children who have to suffer.
ReplyDeleteand if with little adjustments n understandings the sufferings of the children can be avoided then why not go for it....
DeleteWell irfanji its true n I feel instead f dragging a relation u shud let the person go free and give them opp to live their life and find partners compatible to them.
ReplyDeleteDivorce is definetely the last option wen nothin jsut nothin works out..its sad n m against it but then instead f getin harassed mentally n physicaly u shud move on..
i agree, if nothing works then one must move on but the ways out there to improve the relation must be tried honestly before moving on....thank you.
DeleteThe institution-marriage is an edifice which will never stands on the foundation made up of stacks of money..... which in our local dialect called as "jahez or tilak". If anybody is making a foundation of it, the edifice will definitely get abysmal and slowly and slowly leads towards devastating results like DIVORCE, SUICIDE, ILLEGAL CASES etc.
ReplyDeleteOur intellectuals and so called "samajhdar log" should just not discuss the process of the problem & its end product rather should locate the root causes & focus on the prevention of the problem. For doing so they them self should be man of clean image or should regret on their wrong doings (If done) and try to sensitize their dear ones of their family & community about the rights & wrongs then only they can think of becoming a good person/ intellectual/ man without regret.
All married people should also think about their own marriage foundation.......................
hhmmm..i agree dowry is an important cause when it comes to ill effects of it but making the institution of marriage good or bad solely depends upon the individuals and as long as they don't allow those 'samajhdar log" to interfere, they can't dare to do any harm....
Deletebtw thanks for stopping by, plz do come again.
Although i ain't married yet and to be true its actually very easy to point out 'our' solution (more often than not they r d perfect ones) for something which isnt that perfect. but definitely, divorce is neither d only solution nor the first solution to be sought.
ReplyDeleteHowever, circumstances may lead to a changed opinion...coz if u not happy and satisfied with how things are going u have al right to change it..divorce is just one of those rights.
I hope no one has to undergo such a bad phase!
sarah
ya...no one should go through that fateful phase of life...AMEEN.
DeleteHello Irfan.
ReplyDeleteHope you're feeling better.
Marriage needs a lot of compromise, love & tender care for it to grow and be fruitful to both involved. Far too often people go into a marriage with the same "I" attitude...that will never work...when one enters into a marriage, "I" becomes "We" and "two" become "one". With that being said, I do realize that some people just are not happy in their marriage even after they have been together for years. For some, even after they have tried everything to make the marriage work, including counselling, therapy & whatever else, they become bitter/resentful and the only way for them to regain some measure of happiness is to part ways.
I'm a happily married man & just celebrated my 10th Wedding Anniversary. No matter how much strife life throws my way (I've had my fair share already), I believe in the institution of marriage & divorce is not & will never be on my mind. Open conversation, discussion, respect & most importantly love are key. My wife I share everything together. The only time we are apart is when I have to go to work. She is the other half of me, as I am the other half of her.
Excellent article Irfan.
Thanks for sharing.
When you get a chance, please come to my blog...I have a special gift for you.
Award Time...Sharing The Love Again!
What to say more Andy, you said it all very well..i wish there are more n more people like you then institution of marriage can flourish without any problem....
Deleteand thanks again for that lovely award...:)
Divorce is a very painful to woman, even one of my childhood friend who is also divorced some long long back and suffered a lot. Now some good things are happened in her life. she once again married few days back, once again it is arranged marriage.,feeling happy and wishing her a happy life ahead.
ReplyDeletei wish all the best for ur friend and believe me it is equally painful for men too....
Deletebut how to know someone before marriage....bcoz when you meet someone before marrying him/her(no matter how many times you meet), he/she can very well n successfully pretend to be the best choice for you.....isn't it..???
ReplyDeletei think what you said in second para is unfortunately more relevant cause these days for separation...THank you.
ReplyDeleteLife after divorce is never been easy for the people who are living this moment.Divorce brings with it many negative emotions. Some of these emotions can cause stress that will interfere in our ability to function in our every day lives.
ReplyDeleteCordell and Cordell