Friday, January 27, 2012

"Divorce..... is this the only solution left"



" Even in worst condition, taking a decision to save the institution of marriage is the most noble, brave and wisest thing to do "


When two persons join together in marriage, separation and divorce is never something they think about.... Love for each other comes naturally and they both care for each other...... In fact both of them start enjoying each other's company and with each n every actions and gestures they always try to say each other....."I love you" and "I always think of you".....

And that is how they live their life together with a plan of how to raise the family and grow their children while fulfilling all those social responsibilities....

But unfortunately, its not the same for every couple out there and you can find many couples whose marriage end up heading down the wrong path not too long after the honeymoon is over. Instead of learning how to sacrifice one's need for the sake of matrimonial bliss, they realize that marriage requires giving up some of the things they treasure and over a period of time there is some resentment built up between them.....As the days passes the communication between the two starts slowing down and soon they start realizing that they are not made for each other. 

As a result arguments start and all kind of horrible and dirty words start coming out of their mouth and slowly(without even knowing) they start heading towards a nasty divorce.....Finally a day comes when both of them or any one of them starts talking about seeking divorce :(

I do realize that there can be many reasons why they want to divorce their spouse and only the people in those marriages know what exactly the problem is or what exactly wrong happened in their specific circumstances, but I often think that "how could two people who were in love few days back, end up resenting and in some cases hating each other......."





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( PS: This post is the result of some unfortunate happenings with a couple known to me and both of them are very dear to me...i just wish n pray that things may get better in their future life )





98 comments:

  1. I had written this post exactly
    http://www.hamaarethoughts.com/2011/12/love-evaporates.html
    wht goes wrong? its hard to understand n define ..basically its the ego...
    \mans ego n womens attitude ...needs to be kept aside..
    Rest its always sacrifice for kids before thinking of divorce ..who suffer a lot after divorces!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. yes, "ego n attitude" needs to be kept aside to have a healthy life.....Thank you.

      Delete
  2. I guess, communication is the key. easy to say, but difficult to follow. I wish them best of luck and hope they sort out their differences soon.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for the wishes to them...and good to see you here after a very long gap......plz keep visiting, Thank you.

      Delete
  3. Can't comment, Irfan. Marriage is a complex relationship and many a times what is apparent to the others might just be the tip of the iceberg. You can only help them if they ask for your help.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. yes and no....bcoz i personally feel that at times someone must come forward to help them to make their relations better even if they don't ask, who knows it may work in breaking the silence between them in some cases at least.....

      Delete
  4. "how could two people who were in love few days back, end up resenting and in some cases hating each other......."
    Yes Irfan,it happens...someone you thought u just couldn't do without in this world,u suddenly feel u can't even bear their presence...I know that marriage is the most beautiful institution,and nothing like it if it works...every woman has a dream,about her marriage..and no one will want their dreams to be shattered...At times u are left with no other option.
    Very well written...

    ReplyDelete
  5. I've always been a believer in love. And I think love doesn't die. When people's relationships turn sour, I think the problem lies on the lover and not on love. I agree on the element of sacrifice. My mom would often tell me that in our generation, it's easier to divorce or separate instead of work out on relationships even just for the sake of the children ( in cases of abuse, I would also suggest annulment).

    However, Irfan, I couldn't speak for all women. I'm not an expert, I haven't been married and I haven't experienced a very serious relationship to deepen this post.

    All I could say is, marriage is a gift and I would still opt for a family life.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. yes "marriage is a gift" and one must try to preserve this beautiful gift of nature as far as possible.....thank you.

      Delete
  6. I am still not married but even then the mere thought of such a thing is a horrible Nightmare for me. I just wish none in this world should go through such a situation in their life.

    But I know, its easy to say that the couples have to try to resolve the conflicts between each otr and avoid taking such a decision but only the person who goes through it can understand the real pain of it. And after all Divorce is the last step they take as none of their attempts to save the relationship works. :-(

    God bless your both the close once and I pray everything in between them goes fine just like it was a bad dream...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. yes, only the person who goes through it can understand the real pain, but it hurts when we see people opting for divorce just to satisfy their ego....isn't it..??

      Delete
  7. Hmmm I made poor choices that is how I ended up in divorce, picked men with little or no integrity. I was beat in my first marriage and cheated on in the second, (more than once). It was tough but I found I hadn't truly been in love with the man, I was in love with the idea of the man and in love with marriage. Thankfully I found my way out and am now more than happily married and we are so very happy. This is a wonderful post, so true.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Good to know that at last you got someone you can hang on with.....welcome here at my space and thanx for the visit n comment, plz do come again.

      Delete
  8. Kind of gud n scary blog.. It really scary to imagine a life in such a sticky situation where u start hating the person whom u loved the most once... Hope this situation never comes in anybody's life.. One reason in can see for the broken homes is the concept of nuclear families where there are no mediators to stand up and sort out the differences between the squabbling couples..

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. yes, even i feel that family structure does matter a lot in these matters bcoz if elders present there, they can mediate between the couple and things may settle down between them......

      Delete
  9. true...i also pray for your friends....:)

    ReplyDelete
  10. I wish there was nothing like divorce in this world and all the couples live happily ever after. But it is not true and can never be true, because people just dont realise the importance being married and maintaing the beautiful relationship with some comprises, a little understanding. Even i feel bad for all those couples who end up in a separation not able to figure out their problems. I also hope and pray that it doesn't happen the same way with your friend and his wife.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. yes, to an extent the key factor for a healthy relation is "some compromises and a little understanding".....but in some cases this important ingredient of happy married life is found missing and then problem starts between them......

      and welcome here at my space...plz do come again, thank you.

      Delete
  11. Marriage is one topic where I go absolutely blank... All I can say is hope your friends sort out the issues and have a happy tomorrow together...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hhmmmm....I can understand...:D
      and thanx for the good wishes....

      Delete
  12. The two factors are the main causes for divorce.
    lack of self realization
    ego . who is big u or I
    I am working as a secretary to an advocate. Daily there are more thousands of couples are applying for divorce. Most of them are belongs to the so called hi society. Whom to blame. their parents or the couples or the GOD. No answer.
    Beautiful and meaning post. I added your link to my blog.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. yes EGO does play a major role in making the situation worse and in some cases even the parents start playing an important role in spoiling the relation further....

      Thank you Latha for the visit n comment....hope to see you more often now....:)

      Delete
  13. Sorry, Irfan ji, this time I don't agree with your post at all. While I have to admit that you have once again chosen a thought-provoking topic, I must say that your post takes a very generic and idealised view. There cannot be one solution to fit all couples, marriage or divorce, and it's a very, very personal matter. In many cases, the relationship (what you call marriage) can be saved, but I do not agree with your initial quote that saving the marriage at any cost is a noble thing to do. I believe in the sanctity of the individual not just the institution. It is a known fact that children raised in a healthy marriage grow up normal and happy, but it has to be a "healthy" marriage, a sick marriage can be worse than a divorce for the kids. That's just my 2 cents.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. whatever may be the reason but its the couple who is always responsible to make their marriage healthy or sick...and i strongly believe that in any given situation one must try to save his/her marriage.... Anyways.....difference of opinions are bound to happen, so keep reading APNiBOLi and i always appreciate your honest reactions here.....Thank you :))

      Delete
  14. "Divorce..... is this the only solution left"
    Divorce is not the last solution, change of attitude is the last way out.
    Drive with caution approach:
    Before entering into contract of marriage, both sides should think million times to reach a good assessment. Despite testing, if compatibility among the parties remains absent—it’s a no go zone.
    In reality, the spouses to be are driven emotively--followed by broken promises and expectations.
    Lack of patience, stubbornness, dishonesty are some of the factors leading to dissolution of marriage.
    With regard to the topic/heading, there are a few choices that still show light at the end of tunnel:
    Social or religious counselling to deal with issue psychologically as last step before digging the matrimonial grave.
    Take second opinion if there are kids involved.
    A policy of moderation helps us to maintain balance in all aspects of life. We should never violate the principle of balance (ethics, fairness, justice).

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. what to say more Tariq bhai,Thank you so much for your insightful comment.....:)

      Delete
  15. Main reasons for divorce :
    Earlier Now
    1.Husband is Lord & Master 1.No longer
    2.Wife financially dependent 2.Financially Independent
    3.Wife role is home,procreation 3.Joint responsibility
    & child management
    4.Woman's role secondary to man 4.Women claim equality
    5.Women did not work 5.Women work
    6.Women made all adjustments 6.women adjust less
    7.Women not ambitious 7.Women very ambitious
    8.It was a mans world 8.Still largely mans world
    9.Result-Stable families 9.Many divorces

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Agree with all these and as long Husbands will continue pretending as LORD and Women will not try to adjust in the given situations.....marriages will continue to become sick....
      Thank you Sir for the read n comment.

      Delete
  16. Divorce is sad...hope your friends make-up and live happily ever after.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Divorce is very painful emotional,. especially for a woman,.

    Just Recently i come to know that one of my childhood friend is divorced,her husband cheated her badly and leaved her,.

    she is suffering so badly, unable to say how much pain she is taking,.

    she is a very good and kind hearted lady, she not even hurted anyone.,she is very sensitive too.

    One of the most sad thing is she is not even having higher education or technically sound to lead life of her own.,totally feeling sad and unable to see her pain. Currently she is with her parents.

    Always thinking about her how to make her life happy and make her a normal person like before.

    I hope definitely God will guide me to bring happiness back in her life by marrying her and looking her happily.,

    Nice post.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Good to know about ur concern for her, I wish n pray that ur friends life is again filled with happiness.....

      Thanks for the read n comment.

      Delete
  18. Irfanuddin,

    Read 3 posts now. On Sex Sells, I think this survey was conducted on line by a condom manufacturing company. I had seen their advertisement on one of e-newspaper sites in which they had asked people to click for answering some questions for survey. So we can well imagine what kind of survey was that. However to publish such dubious findings was unwarranted. One does not need a kingdom to feel like a KING. It is one's heart, family and actions which make one a king. In my opinion there are 4 basic principles to make any relationship healthy, specially marriage. These are :

    Mutual Respect. Not only for each other but for each other's relatives / friends too.

    Mutual Trust. This includes giving space as well as not misusing such given space.

    Willingness to accept other as he or she is without forcing him or her to change. However at the same time making efforts of own traits not liked by partner.

    Two way open and logical communication without losing temper or raising voice or becoming abusive.

    There are some more factors which add to making relationship healthy. EGO and unnecessary interference by relatives of either partner are TWO major factors for a marriage to go sour.

    Take care

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Agree with your analysis about healthy marriage Sir and publishing that survey report is really something to be looked into by the Govt agencies bcoz it gives a bad impact on our youths.....

      Thanks a lot for giving so much of your precious time here Sir...:)

      Delete
  19. That’s a mystery differ from one couple to another and commonly it happen when they can’t agree mutual. Its one worst situation if divorce happen after kids and I wish no parents get divorce as it affect kids future who are innocent to their break-up egos and stress.

    I wish your dear once put full-stop to their divorce plan and live together happily.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for the wishes Jeevan and yes, kids suffers the most after any divorce....:(

      Delete
  20. Relationships are very complex.. and with modernisation they have become more complexer..
    I use to think myself that they can never be a Good reason to part when two people loved each other .. but Now with my experience and all i do think IT happenes and people change , priorities change ..

    what started as a dream you realise was all a drama to gain something .. various reasons ..

    Sometimes its good to part to remain sane and do good to each other .. I learnt the hard way
    Bikram's

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. well, priorities may change but what can be more important for anyone other than a healthy married life...Money, Career or what...??

      Delete
    2. Money comes to mind for sure.

      loyalty-love-respect etc is a thing of the past..
      the chamak-dhamak is more inviting .. :)

      Delete
    3. Afsos.....main is chamak-dhamak se door rah gaya..:)

      Delete
  21. Agree with you Irfan! Patience is what appears to be lacking and also willingness to tradeoff! Sometimes the reasons may be pretty complex so each case has its own merits or otherwise!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. well, if the reason is complex and can't be resolved then one can understand but i know some cases where people have got divorced just to satisfy their ego.....

      Delete
  22. Divorces are not always bad Irfan. It is a blessing too. I agree that it causes heart-aches, but whenever there is a transformation there is a rough patch called adjustment phase.
    I hope your friends know why their decision is justified.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. May not be always bad but most of the time they are.....

      Delete
  23. Relationships are getting very much complex these days...It was a nice read though. :)

    ReplyDelete
  24. marriages they say are made in heaven, but unfortunately, these are broken on earth also. In fact everyone has become so individualistic and ( space)demanding that it is every time not possible for everyone to fulfill the demands that a relationship makes on him/her. However it is painful to see marriages breaking for one reason or the other. Anyways it is better to part ways than to lead the proverbial "cat and dog " life.Some times divorce augurs well for the couple. However this is also true that children are the main sufferers as they become emotional wrecks and shattered personality. It is also ironical to hear an estranged couple claim post-divorce that they are good friends. I agree with the lyricist when he writes:
    ".....Woh afsana jise anjaam tak lana na ho mumkin,
    usey ik khoobsoorat mod dey kar chhodna achchha ...."

    Nice post

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And when in most of the cases, so many souls are bound to suffer(including children) then how the moment of divorce can be KHOOBSOORAT one.......

      Thank you aarkay.

      Delete
  25. If someone isn't happy or doesn't feel the urge to be together, it's better to move on than living a life they will regret. Already, there may be many Indian couples who live together just for the sake of it, why waste life on someone you do not love anymore?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Agree with you Chintan but in most of the cases people go for separation just to live the life their own way, don't you think that if they start adjusting a little, things can improve....

      Delete
  26. I feel nobody would consider divorce, if there was willingness between the partners to work out things amicably. However, many time either the husband is too set in his mindset, or the wife is too adamant, or sometimes the cause of the friction is the in laws too.
    The point is neither should a woman lead a life for the sake of the family/ society, nor should the man be forced to lead such a life, if they have a reached a point where there is no solution, it is best that they seek divorce, and be happy.
    Children these days are pretty smart, they would get used to living with both parents separately, without being emotionally disturbed.
    I have seen such couples, whose children have adapted themselves well, and they are very happy with their step mom/ or step father, and the spouses themselves are are happily re- married.
    I know we always wish such a situation should never come to the people whom we love, but if it is for their highest best let it be so, that is what i would pray for if I were in your place.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. and even if after second marriage things are not that good and supportive as you mentioned then.....Go for the third one......??
      So i feel its always better to try to set things right with little adjustments mutually and avoid the divorce....and if at all there is no way out then OK.

      Delete
  27. I know of women who dont respect their husbands coz to them all that matters is to be well provided for.I know of women who like to be dependent coz the last thing they want is to never have to ask for money from their husbands coz they thinks its beyond them.I know of women who live in unhappy marriages coz they dont want to struggle with their kids coz they cannot be self suficient on their own.i know of men who lovce to rule the roost and keep their women under control.If your unhappiness in your marriage is sucking the life out of you ( under the right circumstances),its better to part ways than to spread hatred into daily lives.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. it sounds very easy to part ways n stay happy but not that easy actually,whatever may be the reasons for separation.

      Delete
  28. You are right we should take every possible step to save institution of marriage..but the effort should be from both side...It becomes entirely difficult when one is reapairing the marriage and other not paying any heed to it. So divorce is very sensitive issue and both the partner should give final thought before taking this step....After that it is matter of their personal choice.
    Well written:)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. indeed both of them should try honestly, it can't be a one man show....

      Thank you :)

      Delete
  29. Oh Lord may the differences between your dear ones vanish and let them unite again. You are right sometimes and somecases intervention might help breaking the silence. But some might not like the intrusion of a third party. Ultimatum its their life , their decisions. We end up a spectator.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. yes, its their life n their decision, but what for friends and well wishers are, just to be spectator even in bad times?????...no, i feel one must tell them the right way, all pros n cons....then, let them decide...:)

      Delete
  30. ya tough call indeed..separation can be so painful...but the pressures of modern life are such...before v think what's happening..things happen..well-meaning post boss

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. and for smooth sail one has to learn to deal with these pressures....isn't it.

      Thank you Sir ji.

      Delete
  31. Very heartfelt post. I can see your pain in seeing 2 people separate. :( It is a very sad and unfortunate thing indeed.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. yes sad indeed...:(

      and welcome here at my space, plz do come again, Thank you :)

      Delete
  32. i feel anguished when I see the increasing no. of divorces..and it is all because of this new trend of I me, myself syndrom and self gratification being the most important..life is not all about self and enjoyment only..

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So true..."life is not all about self and enjoyment only.." and ppl just don't understand this simple mantra of happy life.

      Delete
  33. very true - only the two IN the marriage know the real story,the real anguish ki why they decided to part ways.
    its always a sad space to be in and as friends it pains us too

    joining you in your prayers - if there is a way out, let them be able to see it

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. THanks for the prayers Sujatha.....yes one must look into all ways out and if at all there is any possibility to avoid divorce like thing then go for it....

      Delete
  34. Relationship is all about 'understanding each other' & total commitment towards the other. In absence of any one , problem crops up.
    You can also go through my blogpost-
    http://srayyangar.blogspot.in/2010/03/living-in-love-arranged-marriage.html

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. commitment is always important let that be any relation....will go through that post, thanks for ur read Sir.

      Delete
  35. Even in this time and age this is a touchy subject. I think there wouldn't be a problem if people start treating everyone with the same respect that they want to get in return from them. Irrespective of man/woman , job/no job, money/no money. It just about how mature you are to deal with relationships. I agree that divorce is not a good solution but sometimes it becomes the only solution.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. yes, agree that some times there is no solution other than divorce but before going into it one must try all possible ways out....Thank you.

      Delete
  36. Hello Irfan jee,

    I am much younger and still not married. So, anything I say would only be correct in theory. I think, it is possible to have disagreements over things and being angry at each other and still love the person. Its when love dies or one of the partners think that love has died, when one think of divorce. I read a mathematical calculation somewhere, that marriage is actually an inherent imbalance equation and it requires a constant inflow of external energy (be it your passion, your love etc) to sustain. Though, I know human life is too complex to be defined by a mathematical equation, but there were few interesting points in the article. That said, I believe, divorce should only be thought about, when you are sure that you will be happy out of the relationship than being in the relationship.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. very important point there by you Kunal that one must be sure that the life after divorce will be better for him/her....but in most of the cases after couple of years of divorce people regret their decision bcoz of the things going further rough for them in life.....

      Delete
  37. a very thought provoking post, which is relevant nowadays

    ReplyDelete
  38. will mail you the details, thanks for stopping by..:)

    ReplyDelete
  39. divorce is unfortunate for sure but I think 'a no marriage is much better than a bad marriage'

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hhmmmm...in a way you are correct that "no marriage" is better but one must try to make the marriage better n better once he/she is into it.... Thank you.

      Delete
  40. Sometimes when everything fails, it's better to end it. But then, I feel bad for the children who have to suffer.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. and if with little adjustments n understandings the sufferings of the children can be avoided then why not go for it....

      Delete
  41. Well irfanji its true n I feel instead f dragging a relation u shud let the person go free and give them opp to live their life and find partners compatible to them.

    Divorce is definetely the last option wen nothin jsut nothin works out..its sad n m against it but then instead f getin harassed mentally n physicaly u shud move on..

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. i agree, if nothing works then one must move on but the ways out there to improve the relation must be tried honestly before moving on....thank you.

      Delete
  42. The institution-marriage is an edifice which will never stands on the foundation made up of stacks of money..... which in our local dialect called as "jahez or tilak". If anybody is making a foundation of it, the edifice will definitely get abysmal and slowly and slowly leads towards devastating results like DIVORCE, SUICIDE, ILLEGAL CASES etc.
    Our intellectuals and so called "samajhdar log" should just not discuss the process of the problem & its end product rather should locate the root causes & focus on the prevention of the problem. For doing so they them self should be man of clean image or should regret on their wrong doings (If done) and try to sensitize their dear ones of their family & community about the rights & wrongs then only they can think of becoming a good person/ intellectual/ man without regret.

    All married people should also think about their own marriage foundation.......................

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hhmmm..i agree dowry is an important cause when it comes to ill effects of it but making the institution of marriage good or bad solely depends upon the individuals and as long as they don't allow those 'samajhdar log" to interfere, they can't dare to do any harm....

      btw thanks for stopping by, plz do come again.

      Delete
  43. Although i ain't married yet and to be true its actually very easy to point out 'our' solution (more often than not they r d perfect ones) for something which isnt that perfect. but definitely, divorce is neither d only solution nor the first solution to be sought.
    However, circumstances may lead to a changed opinion...coz if u not happy and satisfied with how things are going u have al right to change it..divorce is just one of those rights.
    I hope no one has to undergo such a bad phase!

    sarah

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ya...no one should go through that fateful phase of life...AMEEN.

      Delete
  44. Hello Irfan.
    Hope you're feeling better.

    Marriage needs a lot of compromise, love & tender care for it to grow and be fruitful to both involved. Far too often people go into a marriage with the same "I" attitude...that will never work...when one enters into a marriage, "I" becomes "We" and "two" become "one". With that being said, I do realize that some people just are not happy in their marriage even after they have been together for years. For some, even after they have tried everything to make the marriage work, including counselling, therapy & whatever else, they become bitter/resentful and the only way for them to regain some measure of happiness is to part ways.

    I'm a happily married man & just celebrated my 10th Wedding Anniversary. No matter how much strife life throws my way (I've had my fair share already), I believe in the institution of marriage & divorce is not & will never be on my mind. Open conversation, discussion, respect & most importantly love are key. My wife I share everything together. The only time we are apart is when I have to go to work. She is the other half of me, as I am the other half of her.

    Excellent article Irfan.
    Thanks for sharing.

    When you get a chance, please come to my blog...I have a special gift for you.
    Award Time...Sharing The Love Again!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What to say more Andy, you said it all very well..i wish there are more n more people like you then institution of marriage can flourish without any problem....

      and thanks again for that lovely award...:)

      Delete
  45. Divorce is a very painful to woman, even one of my childhood friend who is also divorced some long long back and suffered a lot. Now some good things are happened in her life. she once again married few days back, once again it is arranged marriage.,feeling happy and wishing her a happy life ahead.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. i wish all the best for ur friend and believe me it is equally painful for men too....

      Delete
  46. but how to know someone before marriage....bcoz when you meet someone before marrying him/her(no matter how many times you meet), he/she can very well n successfully pretend to be the best choice for you.....isn't it..???

    ReplyDelete
  47. i think what you said in second para is unfortunately more relevant cause these days for separation...THank you.

    ReplyDelete
  48. Life after divorce is never been easy for the people who are living this moment.Divorce brings with it many negative emotions. Some of these emotions can cause stress that will interfere in our ability to function in our every day lives.


    Cordell and Cordell

    ReplyDelete

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